WANTED FOR: Hooliganism

Sometimes I like to peruse INTERPOL's "Wanted" section, searching for the fugitives who are around my age, memorizing what they're wanted for.

I like INTERPOL, because they seem to have a policy against posting flattering pictures of the fugitives, and the unbecoming photographs make me slightly less jealous that these people have, at least, committed to some kind of life. That they know what they're doing with their lives. They're fucking running, trying not to get caught, and that's that.


Say what you will about the life of crime, but at least it lends itself to concrete objectives.

Captain's Log.

Stardate... Um... I don't know the stardate. What the hell is a stardate? Let's just assume it's 10102008. The Enterprise remains in standard orbit. Something about the Starfleet, yada yada yada. I don't know how the rest of it goes. My nerdiness never extended to Star Trek. However, the Enterprise does remain in standard orbit. And life carries on.

Anyway.

Last week, we acquired a washer and dryer, which made us all feel extremely grown up and responsible. However, our basement was (well... in a lot of ways, still is) terrifying-- crumbling concrete, water stains, deteriorating paint, so many spider webs that the ceiling and the walls appeared to have a sort of opaque sheen, etc. Soooo. We decided to "renovate" the laundry room, in an attempt to inspire a shared desire for cleanliness.

Ergo, we decided to paint the laundry room purple. Or rather, Louise and I decided to paint the room purple, completely ignoring Ryan's objections. So, after vacuuming the webs and planting a dozen or so spider traps, sweeping the floors, and scrubbing everything down with Lysol, I painted the room "Playful Purple" (or, as Ryan dubbed it, "Gayful Purple"). We added a side table, a lamp, a stereo, a chair, some frames and other miscellaneous shit.

The result?



A room I have a hard time leaving. I find myself washing things that don't necessarily need to be washed, just so as to have an excuse to sit in that chair and smoke and read my stack of retro self-help books the lady at The Bargain Corner ("Where you can corner the market on bargains!!!") felt inspired to give me (books such as The Cinderella Complex, Why Am I Afraid to Love?, and Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?)

If I could get internet in the basement, I'm pretty sure I would never leave.

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Speaking of The Bargain Corner. Somewhere between Louise and I deciding that the aforementioned laundry room should also serve as a Musée de Christ Kitsch and being given free self-help books, I stumbled upon this creepy little doll.



For some reason, I thought it was a man-doll, probably supposed to be a factory worker. Delighted by it's hideousness, I bought it. It wasn't until later (while using it in an impromptu puppet show I put on for Louise, meant to express my sexual frustration and resulting in one of the doll's arms shattering against the dashboard) that I noticed the man-doll had long eyelashes, shoes with bows on them, and... breasts.



I take this as a testament to my subconscious attraction to androgyny. Later, I thought of that character, Honey Huan, from the Doonesbury comic by G. B. Trudeau. Specifically, I thought of this strip:



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And lastly: if I had four or so thousand dollars to throw around, I would probably buy myself one of these:

My Body Lies Under The Ocean.

Because the internet has been good to me today (insomuch as I have not once, in many, many hours, sighed and said "I think I reached the end of the internet. Again."), and because I'm at The Oxford, and because it's five in the morning and I have nothing better to do, I've decided to share with you my new and improved living will (re: what I want done with my remains.) Now, my parents (who will most certainly outlive me) aren't going to be pleased with my wishes, but I am determined in this.

I want to be cremated. This is not news.

However, I decided today that I want my cremains to be 'buried' at the Neptune Memorial Reef. The NMR is an underwater cemetery,

giving our members peace of mind... cremation and placement in the Neptune Reef is a non-polluting process that consumes no above-ground real estate while reducing stress on other fragile marine reefs which actively support the continuation of life and aliveness on our planet. Done properly, this marine habitat enables life to thrive in the ocean. What better way to give back to the environment and our planet than this environmentally friendly way to replenish the coral growth.

I don't know that it's necessarily more eco-friendly than above ground burial, but it's a helluva lot cooler.






Basically, what they do is, mold your cremains into a cylindrical "placement," which is then inserted into a memorial column. As for column toppers, you can chose between a starfish and a shell (I want a starfish). After that, divers come and visit you periodically, and your ashes are forever lulled to sleep by the soothing sounds of the ocean (or, since they're underwater, the soothing sounds of pretty much nothing at all.)



This only slightly alters my previous request, in that now, you all must listen to "The Princess and the Pony" (and whatever else Ryan spins) while dancing around on a boat.

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In other news, owing to the fact that Autumn lasted approximately 72 hours this year, Ryan, Louise and I have decided to move to Barbados and become Tiki Bar bartenders. Anyone else in?

Movie Review: Dans Ma Peau

I'm a big fan of gore/violence in movies. No joke. While I may cringe, or hide in my hoodie, generally it's in mock-horror. In actuality, I find gratuitous carnage entertaining, even satisfying.

However, even I have my limits and "Dans Ma Peau (In My Skin)" (2002) is the first film I've seen in a long time that went beyond them.

"Dans Ma Peau" is about a woman named Esther (played by Marina de Van) who lives an ostensibly normal life, complete with a patient, understanding boyfriend and a moderately successful career. Her choice in friends is a bit off, but otherwise, she's doing alright. But there's something amiss, some sense of dissatisfaction, or perhaps ennui, as evidenced by her impulsive 'escape' from a work party her friend drags her to. While exploring a construction site (in the dark, by the way), she trips and gashes open her leg. We're to believe that she fails to notice the cavernous wound, until several hours later when she finally has to go to the bathroom. Instead of rushing to the hospital, she goes out for drinks.

The accident inspires a sort of fascination in Esther that leads her to self-mutilation via box-cutters, hinges, and steak knifes, and culminates in self-cannibalism. At one point, she tans a strip of her own flesh out of a sort of perverse sentimentalism.

The movie itself is an interesting look at mortality and vanity, catharsis and repression, belonging and alienation, pain, love, etc., etc., blah blah blah. And perhaps it would've been more tolerable with a different leading lady, but Maria de Van was, I guess, intent on being involved with every facet of the film (she also wrote and directed it.) Short of being difficult to look at, de Van seems like a bad character actor.

I will say this for the movie: it's disturbing enough to watch a woman, supine on a cheap hotel floor, sawing chunks out of her thigh, blood dripping all over her face. Or to see her gnaw on her arm, then pause, pull a nugget of her own skin from between her teeth, look at it... THEN PUT IT BACK IN HER MOUTH AND RESUME CHEWING. But de Van shows us all of this without offering us the relief of music. It's just her, her flesh, the viewer, and the sounds of self-mutilation. It's an uncomfortable silence. It adds an intensity that I can't recall experiencing in any other movie I've recently watched. And I watch a lot of movies. I felt the need to ask Louise to hug my head at one point, because tensing up in the fetal position wasn't enough. Ryan described the movie as inciting his Cremasteric Reflex. Louise actually left the room.

It was horrifying. But not the kind of horrifying that leaves you gratified, feeling like your suffering was justified, because there's no real payoff. In the end, I just kind of felt like I'd been held at Guantanamo for eight years, just for Googling "World Trade Center."

My body hurts just thinking about it.

The Right Side.

Click Here to See Active Image

Stumbled across this via What an Errant Knave Knows, and found it interesting. The active image turns. If you see it as turning clockwise, you're using the right side of your brain. If you see it turning counterclockwise, you're using your left side. It is possible to be able to see it turning both ways, but uncommon.

According to a study at Yale University, if you can see it both ways your IQ is above 160. Which makes you a genius. Only 14% of the US population can see her move both ways.



I can only see her turn clockwise...

[UPDATE: Nevermind. It's all a load of crap.]

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On a lighter note, here're three of a thousand and one images I'd like on t-shirts. Part of Randy Reddig's design project "I Like Your Face," via Shaderlab:

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I realize that the title of this post is squandered on a non-political entry. To remedy this, I will suggest that everyone read "Sarah Palin vs. 'Sarah Palin'" by Mo Rocca. It's a smart, insightful article about how Tina Fey's characterization of Palin on SNL differs from all other political impersonations, in that Fey's "Sarah Palin" "may very well end up defining a major political figure before that figure has defined herself."

Also, Mo Rocca is incredibly attractive.

And now, I must play something, some music other than what I'm listening to in my head, wherein "Captain Jack" by Billy Joel is on repeat. While I love the Billy Joel, I'm not a huge fan of that song.

The Shit I'm Listening to This Week.

[Update: Because Ryan decided to one-up me and post a Mixwit of his own, complete with commentary, on URFCKD, I've decided to add commentary to my track listing. Here it is.]

1. "Red Apples"-Cat Power
So, the other day I was covering a radio show over at KBGA, and had one of those moments where I realized I only had 20 seconds or so to pick the next track. Frenzied, I threw on Bill Callahan ("A Man Needs a Woman or a Man to Be a Man"). The thing about Bill Callahan is, I love him, but I every time I listen to him, I remember that I would rather be listening to Chan Marshall singing Bill Callahan's songs. So, naturally, the next track was "Red Apples," which led to me listening to "Red Apples" on repeat for the rest of the afternoon. It's not new. It's not really exciting. But it's amazing, and heart-wrenching, and worth listening to again and again.
2. "Song No. 6"-Ane Brun
I have a thing for Scandinavian pop musicians. I love ABBA, even after I learned this love gives John McCain and I some common ground. Lykke Li is on my short-list for my "Best of '08" selection, and the new (or new-ish) albums from Tobias Froberg, El Perro del Mar, and Peter, Bjorn and John have all had their turn this year as my "Most Played Album for the Week." Ane Brun is no exception. While this isn't my favorite song from her new album, I think it fits nicely between Cat Power and Winterpills. The album is eerie and fun, all at the same time.
3. "Broken Arm"-Winterpills
Winterpills' Myspace describes them as sounding like "four weeks of rain, two days of sun, and the voice of someone you thought you had lost forever." I think they sound like drinking coffee and surfing the web, while listening to music on cheap headphones and wishing you were smoking. I like them.
4. "Skinny Love"-Bon Iver
Fuck. Me. I love this album. I love this song. I can't stop listening to it.
5. "Whiskey Tango"-Tanya Donnelly
Also played this one on the radio the other day. I've never heard of Tanya Donnelly, but Louise promised me it was good. Generally, though, I like anything that mentions whiskey.
6. "No One Does It Like You"-Department of Eagles
Department of Eagles makes me wish it was summer. There is something bizarre about this album, but I can't put my finger on it... It's bright and dark, bouncy and haunting, summer-y and serious all at once. It's like a fucking carnival. There's a pretty dead-on review of the album here.
7. "Working & Drinking"-Jared Mees
I'm tired of adding commentary...
8. "Ampersand"-Amanda Palmer
Lyrically, I think this is an amazing song. "I'm not going to live my life on one side of an ampersand"? Brilliant. Palmer is a master of blunt, to the point lyrics that can be simultaneously jarring and empowering. Plus, she's a kick-ass pianist, and her vocals are exactly in my range, which facilitates singing along. Loudly. On an unrelated note, Palmer occasionally is a living statue ("The Eight Foot Bride", specifically), which is a life-long dream of mine, and has worked with Neil Gaiman (whom I want to adopt me), so she gets extra points for being awesome.
9. "Colors"- Portugal, the Man
The more I listen to this album, the more impressed I am. It's growing on me like a fungus on a dead tree.
10. "Nothing Can Come Between Us"-Obi Best
Space-y and candyesque. Good filler.
11. "Atlas"-Battles
I Have Battles in My Life. Fucking Eric turned Ryan and I onto Battles, and now Battles is the soundtrack to our lives.
12. "Little Bit"-Lykke Li
See my comments on Ane Brun. I will never get sick of this song. "I could be a little bit in love with you, but only if you're a little but in love with me." Oh, Lykke Li: I'm a little bit obsessed with you. And you're a little bit obsessed with Bon Iver. So we could be very happy together.

13. "Shattered"-The Trucks
The Trucks recently announced that they are disbanding to pursue individual interests. This is my version of their swan song.
14. "The Second Line"-Clinic
Ok, I've been listening to Clinic's new album a lot lately, but haven't really listened to their older stuff (despite having four of their albums). I'm trying to remedy this.
15. "23 Years Too Late"-Wire
Wire is old news, but it's new to me. I chose the edited version of this song, because the original is like, an hour long.

Household Wildlife in Suburban Missoula.

Black Widow (Latrodectus variolus )

Can be found throughout the United States. Preys on other insects by catching and wrapping them in their webs, "then bites and envenoms its prey. The venom takes about ten minutes to take effect; in the meantime, the prey is held tightly by the spider. When movements of the prey cease, digestive enzymes are released into the wound. The black widow spider then carries its prey back to its retreat before feeding."

Extremely potent venom.

Recently sighted on my windowsill, 5:00 am.



Unannounced Guests (Randomus Unwelcomus)

Can be found throughout the world. Typically arrives at one's door with neither invitation nor warning, occasionally after years of non-communication. Often searching for the former residents of one's house. More often than not, arrives with an open liquor bottle and lit cigarette in hand, drunk, and wanting to 'catch-up.'

Dangerously verbose.

Recently sighted at my door, 3:12 am.



Plumber's Snake (Toiletus Augerus)

This flexible auger (used to remove clogs in plumbing that cannot be loosened with a plunger) inhabits domiciles with frequent plumbing problems. Typically works like a corkscrew to break up clogs in plumbing.

Occasionally gets itself turned around and stuck in the siphon of the toilet bowl.

Recently sighted corkscrewed (and very, very stuck) in my toilet bowl, 11:15 pm last night.